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Sycronomica: Sycroscope

20/10/09 || cadenz

Ok, I just want to get this out of the way at once: I’m getting pretty sick of these idiotic bandnames. Sycronomica? Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? My best guess is that these Germans are big fans of “Dr Snuggles”, whose entire filmography has been banned in Teutonia because the über-metal übermensch of Deutschland have dubbed the theme song with a Cannibal Corpse track – which of course is banned in their country. Oh, the irony. So, our heroes have resorted to finding DVD’s of their beloved medic from Finland, where he’s called Tohtori Sykerö. Far-fetched? Not especially funny? Blame Sykerönomica for choosing such a shitty name.

Let’s dissect their image as well, ‘cause it could be considered important as Sycropenis are apparently aiming for the blacker territories on the metal chart, and ‘cause it’s fun of course. Let’s see what we can dig up… argh! Only a German band care to release a band photo like this one and still be serious about it. I’m guessing frontman Oliver Walther will have changed names to the next album, and we’ll finally be able to witness the first ever pseudo-black record featuring Flash Gordon on vocals. Ride that lightning, bitches!

So why am I rambling incoherently about other stuff that has little or nothing to do with the music? Has “Sycroscope” stunned my musical SatanSensors™ into paralysis with its grandeur, or maybe its extreme suckage? I would so love to bash these guys into a hole, or praise their infernal glorious aura in astonishment… but alas, neither is possible. The record’s bland mediocrity just makes me want to concentrate on more essential things in life, like for example women’s beach volley on Eurosport. Mmmm… tanned lean bodi- ahem. Yes. I mean of course men’s beach volley. What was I thinking.

So, how does this sound then? Someone (can’t remember who) once described a record (can’t remember which) as wannabe-extreme, and I wasn’t quite sure if I understood what he/she meant. Now I know, ‘cause “Sycroscope” sounds like its creators wanted it to sound extreme, evil, hellish, mysterious, diabolical, demon-infested etc etc; and they have, sadly, not succeeded in pulling it off. There are bits and pieces of goth, black, viking, thrash, heavy and speed metal in the mix, and together they form a pie of melodic wannabe-extreme metal. How wonderful.

We have tremolo leads, horror movie keyboards, folkish fairytale melodies, palm muted speed metal riffs, mid-pitched growling, double kicks and “atmospheric” acoustic interludes with samples and Frosty (the Snowman) keyboards. So while Sycronomica are trying to be evil and mysterious like Cradle of Filth or Dimmu Borgir (yeah I know, not much to aim at… and still they miss), they’re also going for the Bratz of Bodom-style riffage and traditional teutonic thrash/speed/heavy metal. This is not the first German band to make this horrible mix – if it is to be done, it has to be done extremely well, otherwise… well, count ye lucky if any limbs are still attached to your body, post-bashing. On Arena GD. Center court.

The song-writing is generic and bland, the arrangements are amateurish and uninteresting, and there are almost no highlights to be found at all. Technically speaking there’s nothing wrong here, all instruments are handled with precision and the growling vocalist has an OK rasp. The clean vocalist has a nice classical voice, but on some tracks (“Kaleidoscope”) he sings a bit out of tune which is extremely annoying. He sounds best when singing in his native tongue, like in the track “Nebelgestalt” – a song which sounds like a mix between a couple of songs off of Dimmu’s finest moment “Enthrone Darkness Triumphant”. The intro is ridiculously reminiscent of “Mourning Palace” and several other riffs sound like they too were borrowed from the Norsemen’s 1997 release. I hope the song is meant to be taken as a homage to the Bavarians’ idols.

The fatal blow to this album is delivered by the total lack of atmosphere whatsoever; in dark/black/extreme/penis metal that’s what counts above anything else. There are some good riffs, especially on the last three-four songs on the album; but they’re combined with other riffs not so great, while the arrangements and production make everything sound thin, lifeless, unorganic, boring and unfinished. At times “Sycroscope” sounds more like a demo than an album, and it’s supposed to be a third (!) full-length effort. Nope, these guys don’t get my juice flowing.

3,5

Information
Released: 2009
Label: Silverwolf
Website: www.sycronomica.de
Band
Oliver Walther: vocals
Johannes Jüde: guitar
Christian Metz: guitar, vocals
Florian Winter: keyboard
Robin Fischer: bass
Michael Bayer: drums

Tracklist
01. Preludium III
02. Kaleidoscope
03. Realm of Dust and Ashes
04. The Call
05. An der Schwelle
06. Nebelgestalt
07. Embers
08. Ground on Fire
09. Geleit ins Moor

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