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Dew-Scented: Impact
23/05/08 || Daemonomania
Doo doo-scented. Poo-scented. Dude-get head. Ahh, how cathartic. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s review a mid-period effort from the thrashiest Germans since Kaiser Wilhelm. You should have seen that fucker when he was abdicating – he was acting like a maniac – WHIPLASH!
So if you’ve listened to any Rude-Methhead before, you know the drill. Before they tried to sell a record or two, these ugly bastards had one goal in mind – aggression. And while its nice to hear someone pull their scrotum right out of their pants (through an open zipper) and wave it around in the wind whilst firing a machine gun in the air, balls-out aggression can only take you so far. How far, you ask? Well, basically the first five tracks. Since there’s only officially 11 tracks, that’s about halfway. The first five really do offer a mule kick to the kidneys, and for that alone I can safely recommend this to fans of shit like Yyrkoon, Demonoid, maybe even The Crown. From “Acts of rage” right to “Cities of the dead” you will be bobbing your head like Sylvia Saint in need of fifty bucks for a car payment.
Here’s the Dew-formula: take 1 part constipated and variation-free vocals, two parts riff-spewing guitars, .5 parts nonexistent bass, and throw on a heaping helping of Uwe’s tireless drumming. When you catch a whiff of that sweet sweet dew scent coming from your oven, flip the whole enchilada over, bake for another twenty minutes, then take it out and slam it against the fuckin’ wall. WHIPLASH! The production is pretty damn good as well, clean but not squeaky. We’ve got the formula, we’ve got the basis for a rating, where to go from here? How about individual song discussion, followed by a bit of nonsense, and then the rating itself? Agreed? Good. Opener “Acts of rage” indeed makes you want to start crippling the elderly, “New found pain” is a song I’ll never get tired of (read more below), “Destination hell” takes you where you want to go, “Soul poison” is incredibly catchy with a great gang-shouted chorus and is the best Deu-Scientia song I’ve had the pleasure of hearing. As for “Cities of the dead,” I love the chorus, but the vocal patterns in the verse are a bit weak. Still, great tune. The rest is just a rehash of what I just said, minus the standout moments to make any of it any good at all.
Now for the nonsense. My drunken metalhead buddy and I frequently discuss an invented affliction entitled “Dew-scented fingers,” whereby the sufferer’s digits are replaced with tiny little effigies of the members of Dew-Scented, who play “New found pain” at the most inappropriate moments. For example, you’re trying to sleep, and next think you know those damn Dew-Scented fingers are pounding up and down on your head, the Uwe finger blasting away at your hairline while the Leif finger screams into your ear. Or let’s say you’re trying to trying to caress that fat hairless dude that you so desperately imagine is your girlfriend. The lights are low, the smooth jazz is playing, the bottle of wine is half-gone, and you’re just removed “her” corset when BAM, the fingers let loose with a blistering riff, some drum fills, and constipated screams of defeat as the flesh decays to shreds! The mood is ruined.
More nonsense, you say? Well, they’ve got a cover song tacked on to the version I have called “Hobbit motherfuckers”, which would be a great song if you weren’t pretty tired from dewing the Dew from the last 11 songs. This song title led to another great idea – the perfect alternate ending for the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Instead of whatever bullshit the ending is now, imagine the scene suddenly changes to a dirty, dimly lit room with Velcro on the walls. The hobbits are all in there, naked except for Velcro vests, cowering in fear. In strides Gandalf, completely nude with a raging boner, the animal lust apparent on his twisted features. He picks the hobbits up one by one as they whimper, and tosses them across the room where they stick to the walls. He then masturbates wildly and busts a magic load right on the camera.
The FUCKING END.
6.5 Dew-Scented fingers out of 10.
- Information
- Released: 2003
- Label: Nuclear Blast
- Website: www.dew-scented.de
- Band
- Leif Jensen: just take a dump already vocals
- Hendrik Bache: lead guitars and bass
- Uwe Werning: drums
- Florian Müller: lead guitars
- Tracklist
- 01. Acts of Rage
- 02. New Found Pain
- 03. Destination Hell
- 04. Soul Poison
- 05. Cities of the Dead
- 06. Down My Neck
- 07. One By One
- 08. Agony Designed
- 09. Slaughtervain
- 10. Flesh Reborn
- 11. 18 Hours
- 12. Force-Fed (The Bleeding Scheme)
- 13. Hobbit Motherfuckers (Turbonegro cover)
