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Battelore: Evernight
29/09/10 || Daemonomania
A Finnish band that plays symphonic epic metal and sings about epic battles, fantasy, and Tolkien? Enya vocals juxtaposed with strained growls? The whole band decked out like elves in search of the evil Keebler tree? The only thing likely to be epic here is the sheer volume of cum gargled, methinks.
Despite the near-certainty that this disc would cause blood to issue from both my ears and anus, I pressed forward for YOU, GD masses. May this album coverage stand forevermore as a testament to all who don’t dress like this – beware! For what awaits includes: a booming guitar tone with no grit. Pedestrian drumwork. Basslessness. Shitheaps of detestable keyboards that force one to picture Eurometallers leaping about in a prancepit. For moshing violently against thine own forest clan would be to defame the Treaty of Gargamel! Sorry, taking potshots at the fantasy crowd is too easy. I’ll do my best to avoid it for the rest of the review, but promise nothing. Onwayrd.
So if the ultraboring guitarwork and marauding Casio didn’t signal that we’re dealing with teh suck, the ladyvocals should. While the growler has got a good howl that somewhat reminds me of the dude from Cult of Luna, the Little Miss Legolas’ multitracked to hell and back singing follows the same lilting patterns again and again. Any possible willingness to give these fruitbaskets a fair shot had totally evaporated by the fifth track. Lyrics, surprisingly, aren’t anywhere near as bad as you’d expect from these Finns, but they ain’t got nothing on “Inherited bowel levitation – reduced without any effort” by countrymates Demilich. Now that is poetry right there.
So if you’re in the mood for a watered down “Eclipse”-era Amorphis or are feeling horny but unsatisfied from some artwork recently perused online, strap on your dildosword and do some Battle. While “Evershit” is not the stab to the gut I predicted it would be, it is far too formulaic and cheesy for the likes of Daemo. When I crave corny tunes that sound exactly the same from song to song, I’ll listen to death metal, thank you very much.
- Information
- Released: 2007
- Label: Napalm Records
- Website: www.battlelore.net
- Band
- Kaisa Jouki, Tomi Mykkänen: vocals
- Jussi Rautio, Jyri Vahvanen: guitars
- Maria (Maria who? Never got her last name): keyboards
- Timo Honkanen: bass
- Henri Vahvanen: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. House of Homos
- 02. Ocean’s Elysium (like Ocean’s 11, but with orcs)
- 03. Summon the Wolves to have sex with me, please!
- 04. We Are teh Gay Legions
- 05. Into the New World of Roleplay
- 06. Longing (for LOTR DVD releases on the) Horizon
- 07. Mask of Flies (aka “why did I smear shit all over my face?”)
- 08. The Cloak and the Dagger both fit in my ass, unsurprisingly
- 09. Beneath the Waves of Bukkake
