### Yngwie Malmsteen: The Yngwie Malmsteen collection

#### 12/08/11 || Daemonomania

What happens when you get an already-stupid person all fucken fucked up and set them loose in the merch room at the Maryland Deathfest with only a few precious dollars in their pocket? This is what happens. Like a boozehound who finds a six disc set of Hockey’s Greatest Hits in their mailbox days after a late-night drinking session in front of the tube, I pulled this bootleg VHS from among my soiled clothing shortly after the MDF and thought, “why?”. Then I watched it. And it turns out Yngwie has something to teach us all. Fifty things, to be exact. Without further ado, here’s…

50 THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE YNGWIE MALMSTEEN COLLECTION:

1. Yngwie. Fucken YNGWIE. 2. Having a concave boychest is no reason not to wear open-fronted shirts. 3. Yngwie can play the guitar. 4. I vastly prefer the instrumentals from “Rising force” over the stuff with vocals. No slander to poodlehead Soto. 5. A cameraman must have been informed that gratuitous shots of Yngwie’s gyrating spandex-clad ass were REQUIRED for him to get paid. 6. No matter what neo-classical poofy shirt you’re wearing, white sneakers are a must. 7. Why are white sneakers a must? So you can do endless karate fucken kicks, of course. 8. Yngwie’s earlier keyboardist guy had a damn funny “Beethoven in tails” thing going on. Ha ha ha. What a nerd. 9. A chick with a snaggletooth can still be hot if she’s got bedroom eyes (more on that later). 10. Said chick can cause Yngwie to totally lose it and go into a club and crash his car and get arrested, maybe, it’s pretty hard to tell from the poorly-plotted video for “You don’t remember”. 11. Speaking of poodlehead Soto, looks like he escaped from a lesser-known NYC gang in “The Warriors”. 12. The Yngster has had some odd fuckers behind the mic over the years. 13. The bassist probably prays for YM to do some back to back action mid-song so that he is not completely and utterly buried beneath the sands of anonimity. 14. Malmsteen can play a solo even while throwing his guitar in the air. The solo just keeps going even though he’s not touching the strings. NOTE: This only happens in music videos. 15. Lot of stage presence YM has. Seeing ‘im in concert circa 1989 must have been orgasmic. 16. If you’re watching The Collection with kids/wife, DO NOT expect them to be entertained. Expect snide comments, irritation, and regular pleas to watch something else. 17. Yngwie can play the guitar. 18. Disturbingly, at least one groupie in some Asian/Eastern European backwater probably banged this guy. 19. Leningrad luvs Yngwie. His appearance on their shores probably sets off a chain of events that looks something like an amalgamation of “Nightwatch” and SNL’s “Sprockets” skit. 20. Yng can play with his teeth, though it’s pretty hard to see since he’s basically shoving The Duck right in his own face. 21. Yng can also play by rubbing The Duck suggestively on his butt. Which is also hard to see because your eyes are bleeding. 22. While there is apparently enough YM output to feed Afghanistan, I think I’ll stick with “Rising force” and the Vescera albums. Yngwie can write all the catchy riffs in the world but a shit vocalist still ruins it. 23. Most Malmo solos sound pretty similar (sorry). 24. Being the drummer stuck behind an axelord must be a pretty thankless experience. 25. Hundreds (thousands?) of ugly Russian teens can’t be wrong. Yngwie gotz game. 26. Malmelade can play him some Hendrix, a sign of skill indeed. 27. Despite the Malm-man’s assertion that he was born on the day Jimi choked on buckets ov wine and vomit, he obviously digs and enjoys playing the Elder Rifflord’s tunes. 28. “Spanish castle magic” sounds kind of like “Spanish cat-hole magic”. Please see the below illustration.

29. When you are a Yngwie keyboardist, keeping an unlit cigarette in your mouth the whole time is probably the only way anyone will ever pay attention to you. “Why doesn’t he light the damn cigarette?”, they’ll ask. 30. A spasebo is a Swedish gazebo located in outer space. 31. Having this on DVD instead of VHS would ruin it, I think. 32. In the middle of a Yngwie video, the swooping camera with fake camcorder images in the corners that had previously been taking shots of the band onstage and was labeled Psycho Cam can suddenly switch to Unlocked Cam. Prolly too much psycho for that camera to deal with in locked mode. 33. When you rock awesome riffs, shit around you explodes. Amps explode. People explode. The motherfuckin’ ATMOSPHERE EXPLODES. Use your power carefully, Malmsteen. Or you could kill us all! 34. Nasty marbled brown is the best choice to display the titles of songs in between video segments. 35. 72% of Mally songs from the 80’s and early 90’s feature the word “love” in the title. 36. Yngwie + effects pedals = MADNESS. 37. There’s a strange, intangible feeling one gets from watching this movie that Yngwie MIGHT, just MIGHT, have some ego issues. 38. The video for “Making love” is probably enough to make most vomit. 39. Psychedelic swirly color effect combined with disembodied images of seriously ugly women doing semi-horny things and YM heaving his pelvis/guitar around and a third-rate pornstar vocalist dude fake-crooning does not a good video make. Ooky. 40. Most Yngwie ballads sound very similar (sorry). 41. Like a shark, if YM doesn’t run around on stage constantly he will perish. 42. The video for “Save our love” was unreleased for a reason. It blows more supremely than 90% of videos I have seen, but still rules. 43. If you wear a goofy neoclassical cape and jump off a staircase, you will turn into a hawk. Not die. Never die. 44. Somehow someone made a flying horse look even less realistic than the original “Clash of the titans” Pegasus. 45. Japan wuvs Yngwie. His appearance on their shores probably sets off a chain of events that looks something like an amalgamation of “Mr. Baseball” and Dave Chappelle’s “Blackzilla” skit. 46. Only a YM video could make a hot Japanese lady in thigh-high stockings unsexy. 47. Did they make videos for any tunes from “Seventh sign” or “Magnum opus”? Damn, I’d pay to watch those right now instead. 48. Yngwie can play the guitar. 49. My bedroom eyes tremble in dismay at this promo video bullshit. Yet I can’t stop watching… 50. FUCKEN Yngwie.

- Information
- Released: 1992
- Label: Polydor
- Website: www.yngwiemalmsteen.com
- Band
- Yngwie: godlike feats of strength, interminable bouts of lovemaking and making love and love saving, legendary acts of guitar prowess, karate kicks, instrument throwing and catching
- Others: support

- Tracklist
- 01. Black Star
- 02. Far Beyond the Sun
- 03. I’ll See the Light, Tonight
- 04. You Don’t Remember
- 05. Heaven Tonight
- 06. Liar
- 07. Queen in Love
- 08. Deja Vu
- 09. Guitar Solo (Trilogy Suite; Spasebo Blues)
- 10. Spanish Castle Magic
- 11. Making Love
- 12. Save Our Love
- 13. Bedroom Eyes