### Mortiis: Crypt of the wizard

#### 16/08/07 || Daemonomania

Ha ha fucking ha. Calling this “metal” would be a serious stretch of the imagination. But then again, I’m sure imagination stretches are not too difficult for an idiot who dressed up as an elf/troll/fuckwad on his own album cover. And apparently people who listen to this are able to imagine all sorts of things too, like this “music” is the soundtrack to storming a castle, or jousting, or bukkake-ing a dragon to death. However, no amount of make-believe will stretch Mortiis’ flaccid member, or stretch a horny naked woman out on the bed of any Mortiis listener.

Seriously, the cover art says it all. Mortiis is an idiot. He is looking to his right, a sorrowful or mystified expression on his face. Who is it that lurks just out of the frame? Is it a wizard? An orc? His mother yelling at him to clean his room? From my very cursory research, this is the second of three attempts at an album cover for this turd, due to lawsuits. Someone should have sued Mortiis for infringing on the Gremlins trademark. Or the Corky trademark from that show “Life Goes On”. He is wearing a gay little bat-cape. He looks like fat Ozzy after listening to a few black metal albums and playing Dungeons and Dragons for two years straight.

Okay, enough about the cover. This is some Casio keyboard shit. Do I really need to say more? Apparently, this guy played bass for Emperor way back in the day. Does that make him cool and talented? Nope. He quit, and went on to record “ambient” music. This is a compilation of LP’s, I guess. LP’s that sucked. “Crap of the Retard” is only for those who think that keyboards can be used to replicate the music or atmosphere of the Middle Ages. If you want the atmosphere of the Middle Ages, throw some shit on the floor, bust out a harpsichord, and start copying the bible.

It makes Danzig’s “Black Aria” sound like Debussy. I can’t think of anything much worse than that to say. Not metal, not any sort of “wave”, not even really painful to listen to – just silly.

1 Norwegian trollpenis fantasies out of 10.

- Information
- Released: 1996
- Label: Dark Dungeon Music/Earache
- Website: www.mortiis.com
- Band
- Mortiis: My First Casio Keyboard

- Tracklist
- 01. Ferden Og Kallet (The Journey & the Call)
- 02. Davi Bygde Tarnet (When We Raised the Trollpenis)
- 03. Under Tarnets Skygge (Underneath the Shadow of the Trollpenis)
- 04. En Sirkel Av Kosmisk Kaos (A Circle of Cosmic Jerkoffs)
- 05. Vanderen’s Sang (The Song of the Trolltard)
- 06. Den Bortdreune Regnbuen (The Banished Rainbow – I don’t even need to come up with a joke here, this is stupid enough)
- 07. Trollmannens Krypt (The Crypt of the Wizard – AKA my Room Needs Cleaning)
- 08. Stjernefodt (Starborn)
- 09. I Morket Drommende (In the Darkness Dreaming of Fudge)
- 10. Fanget I Krystal (Captured in Crystallized Gayness)