### Boozed - Markus

#### 24/05/04 || Lord K Philipson

You might have read my Boozed review at this very site. I didn’t exactly appreciate it to say the least, but it was nice to, for a change, get a real album thru regular mail. Seeing I bashed the band itself, I gladly let them know about it thru their webistes’ guestbook. That’s the least one can do when getting free albums/Frisbees. All of a sudden I get a mail from the vocalist of Boozed where he thanked for the review, claimed to understand my point of view and even respected it. What?! Here I bash the band and he’s not even angry? There are way too few people like this in the world (Hellooooooooo Aurora Borealis, read and learn, cumstains). After shooting a few mails back and forth I decided to make a shorter-than-what-I-usually-do interview with him. Just for the fucken laughs. He gladly took me up on the offer, and what we have here is the result of that. I still don’t like the band, I still think his vocals suck and I have kept my promise to keep their album in my plastic bag of stuff I will never listen to again. But seeing his attitude is excellent, they deserve a spot here at Global Domination. Listen what Markus has to say about my polite questions.

Explain this to me; why in the holiest of cocksucking fucks I’m doing this interview with you guys? I don’t like rock’n’roll, I don’t like yer band, and I think your vocals suck. You are not even remotely metal for fucks sake.

You’re doing this interview with me because you have to. There is no other way of getting all the information you need to understand the deeper meaning of what I’m aiming at. It has nothing to do with Rock´n´Roll, it’s a religious, or better a spiritual thing. Unfortunately you’ll have to find it out on your own because I can’t explain it in words.

“Boozed”? Wow, that’s a good name. I guess it suits the lifestyle of being rock’n’roll… Who fucken came up with that name and don’t you seriously think the one who did needs to be shot?

I know that the name sucks. When we had our first gig we they of course wanted to know a name. We didn’t have one, so we thought: “Boozed is okay, and we know how to write it, so fuck off.” We knew that Bon Scott often used the word “booze” in his lyrics. And the thing with that Rock´n`Roll lifestyle… fuck it. It’s the same motherfuckin “lifestyle” nearly everybody lives for at least a few years. Drinkin´, smokin´ and having fun. Add some Rock´n´Roll music and you’ve got the lifestyle. To answer your question: Shoot Poni. He came up with the name.

You told me you have been in, and I quote you, “this fuckin poser rock band since I’ve been 15 years old”. I guess you are around 20 now… Dontcha think it’s about time to fucken grow up, get a job, a blowjob, a haircut and a decent band to play with? What’s so appealing with playing this kind of music? You can’t claim there’s any energy in it, now can you? It’s all poor riffs, poor lyrics and poor everything else.

You’re wrong. I’m 18 years old now. So it’s time to stay stupid. But I’m really looking for a decent band. I’d like to play some Chicago Blues like Muddy Waters. But I think I’m not black enough, nobody would take me for serious. So I probably gotta keep on playing Rock and Roll. It’s fun because it’s easy to write songs, it takes two minutes to write a three minute tune. Two riffs, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, chorus and that’s it. The lyrics are all taken from old Spiderman comics so you can’t piss me off for writing shit, hargharg. The energy is missing cause we’re stoned all the time. But hey, that’s Rock´n´Roll!

This definitely must be the first metal-site that interviews you guys. Are you honoured? You told me you had checked out the site and that you liked it. I know we do a good fucken job, but what exactly is it that you like so fucken much about our work? You should fucken hate us, I bashed you guys you know. Then again, it’s hard to deny the fact that we are excellent, it’s easier to understand that you guys are not, right?

I’m of course honoured as fuck. I like your site because of the great layout and the funny, entertaining style you are writing. And I think that you got me wrong: I like your site, but I HATE you, Mister K. That’s why I’m givin´ this interview. I really hope that everybody reading these lines feels my overwhelming hate in every bone of his heavy metal body. I don’t even know why I’m so angry, I used to give a fuck about reviews…

Have I pissed you off yet?

Yes. I’ve got to get out in my yard and smash one of my limousines once in ten minutes. And it takes me a long time to answer your fastidious questions. But Rock´n´Roll and intelligence are two inseparably connected things, so I concentrate on my breathing and write down the crap crawling out of my brain though I’d rather get to the airport, come over to you, give a handful of dollars to an old cab driver and make him rip your balls off.

I know I mentioned this in the intro, but I have to admire how well you took the review I did. Most people would be screaming and crying (Hello Aurora Borealis) you know. Do you realize that this is the only reason I’m doing this interview? That you took it so well. How are you guys going to impress me next time around? For one, you could start playing something not rock’n’roll…

I know that the only reason for you to do this interview is your will to illuminate your mind. And I can help you, son. So there will be no need to try to impress you once more. That leads to the result that we can play as much groovy swingin´ rock as we want to, and everybody´ s gonna be happy.

Do you even listen to metal? I’m still very confused I’m interviewing you guys. Name some of the fucken bands that inspire you guys to write songs. Just so people would get an idea how fucken much you guys actually suck. When I think about it, you guys aren’t really that bad after all, it’s just that I think the whole rock’n’roll genre is a genital wart. When I think about it again, yes, you do suck that much.

Of course I also listen to metal though I’m no such insider. I like Slayer, the 80´s Metallica stuff, Maiden, Cannibal Corpse and I love to watch Black Metal shows. Behemoth, Immortal and Desaster really rock. I’ve seen them in Wacken, but this year I ain´t going there because it’s way more expensive than last year. We’re inspired by Rose Tattoo, AC/DC, Motörhead, Gluecifer and we all love Led Zeppelin. Their influence gives our music the spiritual aspect I have already talked about. One of us is going terribly wrong. I used to think that R´n`B is the main genital wart on every dick and every pussy belonging to a thinking or at least fuckin creature. I guess I am right, cause spiritual leaders always do.

You guys have played quite a bunch of gigs it seems. What’s the most and the less people you have played for? Don’t try to bullshit me here. Then again, Germans’ like shit-porn, I guess they would attend a shit-gig as well. What’s with you fucken Germans anyways?

Less people: 1. Most people: ca. 2000. We Germans are all so fuckin dumb that you can’t really talk about what’s with us. We just like Rock´n´Roll and food from Italy. And Russian girls of course, if we can get some. But that’s hard because of the Russian boys who love to give us flog.

Could you seriously give our readers one fucken reason as for why they should give you a second of attention? Do you think you will appeal to the fucktards around these parts of the Internet?

Yes. They’ll love it because of the strong religious message we are spreading. You know, the people want somebody who tells them what to do in this shitty mean world. So I do. I got the solution to every fuckin´problem in the world. But I want to make it hard for mankind. You gotta ask, I won’t walk from door to door and try to sell my knowledge. I know what’s going, and if you need my wisdom come to me and we’re gonna work it out together. I am wise if you can imagine what the word means. WISE. If I would want to I could be king and make things go all right, but I think it’s more fun to watch the motherfuckin world going down the drain. And the goddamn internet can lick my shit.

11. How many chicks have you fucked in yer short life?

Poor question. Everybody knows that true rock´n´rollers can not count the fucked girls.

How many guys?

That’s a better question.

Let’s stop here, I have given you enough attention for a few years now. Could you end this by saying which NHL-player is the only one worthy of having number 21 on his jersey? Thanx for yer time. Holler at me when you guys start to play metal, ok?

I shit on icehockey. Thanx for giving me the chance to spread my piss in this part of the internet. Hehehe. See you at our shows, we’re coming to Sweden in autumn (if some Swedish people should read this).