### Winter In Eden: Awakening

#### 19/08/10 || Lord K Philipson

“We are a 5-piece Symphonic Metal band from Northern England. We have a very simple ethos: To produce and perform the music we feel compelled to create.”

I feel compelled to buy a ticket to England and take a huge shit on each of these members’ dinner plates, salt-n-pepa it and convince them it’s beef. Just the description of the band should have made me understand to stay the fuck away from this bunch of idiots. First off you got that quote in the intro and second: they are from England, for fuck’s sake. Hardly a country who have given us amazing female fronted half-metal bands in the past. Or more like – ever. Fucken England… At least they managed to spawn one or two decent musical offerings throughout their history. Hail Bolt Thrower and Acid Reign. And no, Carcass doesn’t count. Carcass fucken suck it. And fuck The Beatles too while we’re at it. Spice Girls on the other hand… Now that was some serious, serious shit.

I usually give bands with a chick doing vocals a chance. Not so much becoz I expect to love the shit in question, but becoz I always wanna hear different vocalissas in case you stumble upon some hidden gem, you know. At rare occasions one also happens to find bands that are enjoyable, but most of the time – not quite so. And now… I obviously and unfortunately give you:

Winter In Eden. Yeah, how’s that for a fucken moniker? Must have taken the whole band’s collective braincells of 2 to figure that one out. And what the fuck is that, a fucken bald Leprechaun in the front? A bald Leprechaun with tits? And what’s that… that… that thing to the far right? Did someone just take a red shit on the fag’s head? Astonishing. You know when your best band photo turns out like that – you are in for a world of trouble.

When I first put this on I thought something was fucked with my stereo coz the production sounded so thin it made GD’s Internet cock look like a 400 year old oak in comparison. But nope, it’s apparently supposed to sound like this. And what’s even more tragic is that Winter In Eden’s music is something they, as mentioned, “feel compelled to create” (maybe it was even born out of necessity?). It also feels like they were compelled to let the Deaf Community of England mix this shit. Newsflash, fuckos – it didn’t fucken work out.

Weakly composed and arranged semi-metal/supposed-to-be goth with a chick who’s got an ok (at best, and even then I am stretching it) voice that is not fitting this music at all. It’s also mixed way too high (along with the piano) and packs too little emotion and power to do anything but leave an impression of meh. And let’s not forget that their drummer is as tight as Goatse’s arsehole. What more…? Oh, yeah; cheap keyboards, a cheaper guitar tone and a drumsound to be found at Toys “Я” Us’ bargain bin. Add to that a bass you cannot hear and the mentioned Leprechaun doing vocals, voila!, you got Winter In Eden. That, and A Sonic Disaster On Planet Earth.

Congrats – you have failed on pretty much all accounts.

The idiots over at webzine Sonic Cathedral scored this one a 9,5 out of 10. I know, that shows how fucken retarded the people working there are – like we needed more proof of it. I hope that fucken sorry excuse for a site explodes. By the way, want me to sum up Winter In Eden with 8 words? Easy:

Shit moniker, shit album, shit band, shit teeth.*

*Hey, they are Brits.

- Information
- Released: 2010
- Label: Self-released (how shocking…)
- Website: www.winterineden.com
- Band
- Vicky: vocals
- Sam: guitars
- Ian: bass
- Steve: keyboards
- Wayne: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Inside (my hairy anus)
- 02. Oblivion (is where this band is heading)
- 03. Alighierr (bless you)
- 04. Aragon (for fuck’s sake)
- 05. At the edge of the world (there are armies of penises waiting – hooray!)
- 06. Cry (trust me, I am thanx to this record)
- 07. Fate will oblige (and make this band implode)
- 08. Frustrated dreamer (terrified listener)
- 09. Ruled by fear (raised by male genitalia)
- 10. Stolen fairytale (hahaha)
- 11. The Awakening, Chapter One – Introspection (fuck you, part I)
- 12. The Awakening, Chapter Two – Unspoken (fuck you, part II)
- 13. Windelfell (in a sea of semen)