### Sportlov: Offerblod I vallabod

#### 13/09/07 || theProphet

Most of you know that humor and black metal is an impossible combination (not the Immortal kind of involuntary humor, of that the genre is abundant). I did too. But it is time for all of us to stand fucking corrected. For Lo and Behold, it’s Sportlov. In all honesty, I do not know if anyone who isn’t familiar with the Swedish language will (or should) be much interested in this band, as, even though the music is well above average, Sportlov is all about the message. I am so sure of this in fact, that I almost chose to write this entire review in Swedish. However, I will not.

And the message, ladies and gents, the message…

Sportlov combines a deep hatred towards Christianity with a powerful love for winter sports. Never thought Baphomet had anything to do with curling? Sportlov is here to prove you wrong, and rape you with a pair of cross-country skis in the process… Also, the lyrics are dense with references to the black metal scene, it’s always funny to point out these to yer just-turned-kvlt-formerly-limp-bizkit-fans friends… Actually, scratch that. They are not yer friends…

A couple of examples then:

Satan, i din vishet – led mig till spurtpriset Satan, i din skönhet – bär mig uppför krönet

vi är mer black metal än Mayhem vi har långt mera cred än Slayer och jag har läst i Metal Hammer att vi är snabbare än Franz Klammer mer mordiska än greve Grishnack mer nordiska än grabbarna i pistvakt och jag har läst på nån jävla flyer att vi är snabbare än Hermann Maier

ia gunde, ia sixten, ia wassberg ia mogren, ia assar, ia ernst-alm ia gunde, ia sixten, ia mora-nisse ia, mogren, ia assar, ia utterström

Some dodgy rhymes aside, these lyrics are as witty as an “Army Of Darkness” oneliner…

What about the actual music then? Well, Sportlov is actually comprised by very competent black metal musicians (as for whom these are, I will let those of you who are interested find out for yerselves) and as stated in the beginning of this review the music is easily sub-par (it is good to be sub-par, right? any golfers on this site? didn’t think so… fuck it, it IS good to be sub-par from now on…). However, in the realm of black metal, there are better bands… quite a few actually.

Production-wise, this is the sonic equivalent of having six meters of rusty razorwire pulled out of your asshole, the way you expect it to be. Rumor has it that the guy who produced demanded nothing in return except for a bottle of whiskey and a banana, so there you go.

I give “Offerblod I Vallabod” a grade based on a combination of music and humor… If you do not understand Swedish, are completely devoid of humor yerself or practice summer sports, you should detract 2 points from the final score…

8 nuns impaled on sharpened ski poles out of 10.

- Information
- Released: 2003
- Label: Head Mechanic
- Website: www.sportlov.tk
- Band
- Count Wassberg: vocals
- Dubbdäck Doom Occulta: guitars
- Hell Y Hansen: guitars
- Thermoss: bass
- Fjällhammer: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Inträd Nu I Vallabod
- 02. Offerblod I Vallabod
- 03. Dimma Över Mångsbodarna
- 04. Blixthalka
- 05. Bränn Holmenkollen (Behåll Lugnet)
- 06. Sportlov Attack
- 07. Över Min Döda Kropp
- 08. Weird Thermoss
- 09. Bloddopad Av Satan