### The Gardnerz: The system of nature

#### 15/12/10 || Altmer

This system of nature is a bit odd. You see, first of all you have this whole earth thing working together. It holds itself together due to gravity and all. Then you’ve got a lot of green shit which hippies want to keep green, corporations want to demolish to build a factory, and everyone else just doesn’t know what the point of a billion trees is. But they still make holiday photographs of them, just because they’ve gone to see “nature” and all”.

If you have a lot of trees, plants, and nature in one place, you need a method for tending it – one would be to hire this band. They are called The Gardnerz. Yes, that is spelled with a z, ladies and gentlemen – so low has the linguistic skill of this band suck. Yeah, I know, it’s on purpose and all. Fuck you, you play metal. Party music is for people with low IQ’s, drunkards or groupies. I.e. Lordi can get away with naming themselves that. You lot play some pretty serious shit, so I don’t get the joke here.

Anyhow, the name of the game? Old British doom/death stuff. Yeah. My Dying Bride is having an orgy and invited the younger selves of Anathema and Paradise Lost along, as well as some Katatonia beginners. That’s what this sounds like. Now picture that with a vocalist that is pretty bad and you get this album pretty much. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. I’ve definitely heard a lot worse, but I’ve also heard a lot more interesting things. This album is one of those where you’d rather go to your grandmother’s and watch TV all day. It’d be more interesting than this shit, that’s for sure.

A nice Cynic nod at the end of track three. Some inspired, groovy riffing. Those bad cookie monster vocals. An attempt to sound like “Turn Loose the Swans”. I’m not duly impressed, but I’ve also got the feeling that the riffs are good enough to save these guys from the bottomless pit of suck. You know what that means, then. This goes straight into the “Mediocre” bin. The one where all the albums are that you don’t hate, don’t love, but end up giving less than a fuck about. This is one of those albums.

In short, if you could call Earth a garden, then these guys are pretty much the most boring gardeners you can find. I won’t let them water my plants, that’s for sure.

Recommendation: Better vocals.

- Information
- Released: 2010
- Label: Self-released?
- Website: The Gardnerz MySpace
- Band
- Nicklas Ankarbranth: vocals
- Wilhelm Lindh: guitars
- Francisco Martin: bass
- Juan Pablo Donoso: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Apparently nobody bothered with this, and it’s nowhere on the net so here’s my tracklisting: none at all.