### Local Domination: Pittsburgh, PA

#### 23/04/10 || Trauma

I called this place home for approximately 13 years. I don’t live there anymore, no, for I was shipped off to Los Angeles, San Francisco, and then outside of Washington, D.C., respectively. Pittsburgh is not known for its metal, unlike the far shittier towns… Baltimore comes to mind.

Of course, Baltimore totally deserves to have a better music scene. We are cleaner, have better sports teams (except the Pirates), and there’s about a 90% reduction in the chance you’ll be shot. That’s still pretty fucken high, mind you, especially if you take a stroll dann ta South Side. Or was it North Side? I forget.

A city should not deserve existence if there is not at least one or two decent metal bands coming from there. Luckily, after picking and sifting through the giant waves of feces that the Pittsburgh scene is littered with (COUGHPENIS Dethlehem VAGINASNEEZE), I found some bands that didn’t make me contort into the same face as when I smell a rancid fart or rotting animal carcass. They’re not all the same type of sounds, I tried to be a bit more open-minded and choose the best of a few different sub-genres, and they definitely have to still be an active band. It took a lot fucken longer but I like to think I was able to find something for everyone.

Argus:

I name this band for a few reasons. One, it has the vocalist for a criminally underrated and now inactive doom band named Penance, from the same exact city. Brian Balitch is quite a vocalist even if he looks a bit portly nowadays. His voice is the best thing about this band, for while occasionally getting some good riffs here and then, his voice either makes them sound worse than they are or he is simply the best part about them.

If you’re at all into some “epic”, or “progressive” styled metal, Argus might be up your alley if not for a few listens on their MySpace. As for the other reasons? I forgot.

Crown the Lost / Dethlehem:

This spot is kinda tied, Crown the Lost has got the much more professional sound and technically better musicianship, but they have serious identity-crisis. Dethlehem know what the fuck they are (A joke?). Both bands contain vocalists I don’t particularly care for with the music. Dethlehem has fun with their shit and act like Orcs and Elves dildos, while Crown the Lost try to play all virtuosic and pretentious with their music.

They don’t exactly “dominate” but they have the potential to do just that with their music, if they just fix their problems. CTL with their musical identity (YOU ARE FUCKEN SO NOT THRASH!!!), and Dethlehem with more refined musical composition. They (Dethlehem) are all about 12 years old minus their drummer who I used to be semi-chummy with so I can let it slide form their debut. Take note, I don’t like the music of either of these groups but they are representative of the scene and it’s “high-point” over there nowadays.

How to hear these guys best? I hear there’s a thrash-fest going on here, and some princess was just kidnapped by Lord Bonergush here.

Dofka:

Led by and named after their lead guitarist, Jim Dofka, Dofka is your standard 80s heavy metal band. You know, “epic” vocals, classically-influenced lead guitar work, with drums and bass that don’t really stand out because two egos is enough in one band. Not that these guys have egos, they may, but I have no fucken clue and am just being facetious. I hate this type of music for the most part, but there is something with what Dofka does that I can listen to for more than 30 seconds. Try something like 45-50 seconds.

I’ll probably end up never listening to them again, but if you like penises, don’t forget to click.

Motorpsychos:

This here was a curveball to my testicles. I expected them to suck tremendously, and not just because it’s a mostly female band. These bitches can craft some decently heavy rock/metal hybrid tunes. Call it tough girl metal, if you will. I wonder if they have legions of roller derby fans and players following them. I can see it now, they arrive to each show on their motorcycles surrounded by a group of the most butch and dangerous roller derby girls around as their entourage.

As far as the style goes, their voices are quite okay and the riffs sound heavier and more badass than they are because people with tits are playing them. Makes me wonder, is the drummer (only male in the band) left pounding his own skin at the end of the day, eh, EH? I’m so funny. They’re definitely not bad, but all you gotta do is check them out.

Sathanas:

What we’ve got here is an old school metal band. They’ve got the sound down, the decent production that sounds old enough without actually sounding old. The tunes are pretty good as well, not showing any signs of being shitty composers, but that they get what they were after, and they get it fucken good. These guys are my favorite find from Pittsburgh so far, deserving a spot here and your listening if you like the likes of the 80s metal. They’ve certainly been around since then. Check them out here.

Let me put it to you this way, they came about to me like a left hook and knocked me the fuck out. Apparently they are still going, unlike some other elder metal bands from Pittsburgh hence their inclusion here. Just listen to “Beneath the blood red moon” and if that doesn’t convince you, you’re un-convince-able.

I’d say that about does it for Pittsburgh. There might be others including some real gems, but I certainly haven’t found them yet. Sathanas gets the fucken horns and I implore you to check them out as soon as you can. Motorpsychos comes in at second of this lot for me, mostly because of the tits, and then Argus because Balitch is a good vocalist. The rest you guys choose whether or not you like them. If you think they are absolutely shit you can always register on our forums and bitch like a little girl. I’ll probably bitch back like even more of a girl, too. Who knows? I hope you enjoyed reading this feature, it was kinda fun trying to find these all. I don’t come from a major metal scene like New York, San Francisco, or some shit hole in Florida, but I make do with what’s given to me.