### Cryptic Tales: VII dogmata of mercy

#### 03/07/09 || Lord K Philipson

Houston, we have a problem… And it doesn’t involve rockets, Tom Hanks or Bill Steer. Nope… This is something else. Cryptic Tales might have such a cliché name it’s insane and the title of the album makes absolutely no sense – but I’m sure they can deliver some fine metal for me, they are of Polish origin, you know. I hereby consider the introduction to my love for Polish metal completed. It doesn’t need to be longer than that. Now comes the hard part.

I am struggling as for how to continue this review since I’m laughing too fucken hard. Why? Well, haha… Just look at this photo, taken from the actual booklet that comes with the disc at hand:

Hahaha… Look at the guy in the middle to begin with. Then take a look at the guy to the right. Now you can check out the other fuckers as well, as a bonus. Oh man, hahaha… I can imagine how this photo shoot went down, from left to right:

Guy 1: “- I’ll stand here to the left and look the most normal of us, though tr00 and grim ofcourse. Ok? Guys? Ok?”

Guy 2: “- You do that. I’ll do my seductress pose. You know, the pose that Bret Michaels used in Poison when they were hot. Not that they are not hot now, I’d sleep with them 24/7, but you get my point. I’ll also suck a little on my seeeeexy fingers since papa’s pee-pee is not available. This shit will look badass, I’m telling you.”

Guy 3: “- Cool. Chceck this out then… I spent a few hours in front of the mirror this morning and came up with a new, cool look. I call it “The Shitter” and it really adds to the atmosphere of black metal. Look, look… I am now… The Shitter!”

Guy 4: “- Holy shit! That is evul, man. Evul, I tells ya! I will be the midget. The evil midget. Can’t top that. Me and Glenn Danzig and our hair-do’s FTW!”

Guy 5: “ Hey, what about me? I have this look I think could work wonders for the photo. Look at this! I will now conjure up my… SURPRISED NECRO LOOK! I rule.”

Hahaha… HAHAHAHAHA!!! What a bunch of fucken super-tools. You’d think one fucked up photo would be enough, but nooo… Now let’s head over to the second one that comes with the disc. This one is from the traycard:

Now it’s a little bit better though this band is still cursed with The Shitter, only now he’s changed persona and became The Dreamer. Hahahaha… WTF? I mean… hahaha… seriously? This guy is my new hero. 2 out of 2 photos of excellence, this dude is a genius. And of course he plays keyboards, haha… Can we make it a third? Just look at this photo below from his profile at the site…

Oh yes, it’s safe to say we got ourselves a third fantastic shot and with that I must lie down and breathe, hahaha… Who needs Comedy Central when we are blessed with metal hilariousness? I love you guys, seriously. Thanx for making my day, haha…

The music? I wish I could say “who gives a fuck?” but Cryptic Tales, despite band name, album title and extra-ordinairy photos, is a good fucken band. Their Dimmu Borgir influenced “black metal” (labeled under “black metal” without it actually being black metal, you know the deal) is fully competent and delivered with few flaws.

So, 90 percent of this review dealt with the imagery of the band (and rightfully so), the remaining 10 I spent on the music. Fair? Not fair? If you have a problem with it – start your own fucken website and write your own fucken reviews. My point is made. Cryptic Tales is a far better band than you’d ever imagine by looking at the beautiful pictures displayed with their cd. Good as fuck for them.

7,5 I didn’t see this coming out of 10.

- Information
- Released: 2009
- Label: Empire Records
- Website: www.cryptictales.pl
- Band
- Piotr Kopko: rhythm, lead and classic guitars, vocals
- Jacek Fall: rhythm and lead guitars
- Bartłomiej Filipiński: keyboards
- Mateusz Bernardyn: bass
- Jarosław Maciuszek: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Purgatory
- 02. Towards Modern Darkness
- 03. Valley Of The Dolls II
- 04. Set The Unholy Icons Free
- 05. In Immortality
- 06. Like In The Darkest Stormy Nights
- 07. VII Dogma Of Mercy