### Netherbird: Lighthouse eternal

#### 06/12/07 || Kampfar

From Sweden comes flying this gothic band, named after a bird not even in existence. Their name sounds like shit and their music is bland, but still I’m one of their top listeners on Last.fm, which is all due to them being more of a slippery eel than a feathered creature. See, I often listen to music while playing Football manager, a game perfectly suited for homebrewed soundtracks, but lately I’ve found myself stuck with this fucking grey eel of a bird, again and again failing to invoke much of a thought process. I’m very, very tired of their music by now, so I have to get it out of my system before relegation appears.

(I signed up for this piece, hence being obliged to produce an effort)

From The Metal Archives I learned that Netherbird use different members for each recording, aka session members/band whores, but at the core we have 2 guys wearing silly pseudonyms, namely Nepenthe and Bizmark. I guess it’s their half-assed, though not entirely crappy ideas we are treated to. But what are almost good ideas when poorly executed? It’s like a thought to be ok pass ending up in a counter-attack, ultimately with one of your defenders scoring an own goal. Shitty stuff, that’s what it is.

There isn’t much music to speak of, at least not if we are to talk about metal, as the first and the last track are both instrumentals (or should we say keyboard interludes?) not making much of a difference. Sure, it isn’t like the worst fucking intro and outro I’ve ever heard, but I’d like to inform the “band” great composers like Mozart, Beethoven, Vivaldi, etc, etc have done something akin a gazillion times better years and years ago. Not only were their ideas infinitively much better, their instruments of execution, and the execution itself, was of an entirely different league. They probably already knew that, but it feels good rubbing it in.

Half-baked interludes, or rather foreplay and after ski, aside, there are more urgent naggers just about to be presented.

What’s up with the extreme vocals, Mr. Nephente? A bad day at work, ey? If I were in this band, and we had been on a look out for a new guy to do the growls and shrieks, setting up an audition probably only you had attended, I’d give you this verdict. Get your fucking act together, if you have no passion, don’t fucking do this. You come across as an immensely lazy vocalist, with a weak pipe, weak attitude and generally little or no talent. Fire yerself, now.

I’m no fan of female vocals, but on this here defunct lighthouse I find the ones present to be rather ok. Though, just like her peers/fuck mates, it wouldn’t hurt if she’d put more of her heart into the performance. Same goes for the choir, which isn’t really much of a choir, but the band probably like to think of it as one ‘cause it makes their music sound grander, which is all it and the mock-choir isn’t. Again, the choir idea isn’t a drab one, at least not entirely, but the execution could barely kill a fly.

As far as I know, “Lighthouse eternal” is a self-release, but it seems like the crippled bird has since found a nest in Singapore, said to be habituating in the cellar vents where Pulverised records is located. Anyway, if this is to be released by a label, be sure they are going to put a sticker on it mentioning Adrian Erlandsson. No reason to, ‘cause his drumming here is as boring as it gets. I have never thought him to be one of the great drummers of metal, and that has nothing to do with his role in Cradle of poo, but I know he is capable of more than he is showcasing here. If not, well then fuck knows what lethal drugs Dani has fed him over the years. You should’ve used a pseudonym too, mate. I even know which: Narcosis.

I was about to elaborate on the guitar work but found out that I won’t. It isn’t talentless, some if it even decent, but for being a top listener I have to say I remember very little from it. The music has a hint of Cradle of puke, ranges from a bit slow to a bit fast, and leaves me cold but apparently still with something to say. Hurray.

People supposed to like this are better off with (old) Therion and Diabolical Masquerade. If you are a fan of Therion gone muzak, however, by all means, indulge yourself. “Lighthouse eternal” is up for grabs at Netherbird’s homepage, so you have every possibility to do just that. If you aren’t preoccupied checking elevators and supermarkets for groovy tunes, that is.

I did my best, Netherbird didn’t. Fuck off.

- Information
- Released: 2007
- Website: www.netherbird.com
- Band
- Nephente: vocals
- Bizmark: guitars, keyboards
- Session members: the rest

- Tracklist
- 01. Adrift on the sea of misery
- 02. Lighthouse eternal (laterna magika)
- 03. Hidden beneath flesh pest hidden (?)
- 04. Beauty of bones
- 05. Forever mournful
- 06. Adrift towards eternity