### Pink Cream 69: Ceremonial

#### 21/02/13 || BamaHammer

Pink Cream 69. That’s one of the all time great perverted-for-the-sake-of-being-perverted band names ever. It’s also precisely what the band sounds like these days as well: a moist, gelatinous vaginal discharge. And a number. Of course, one is always obligated to mention Helloween when speaking of this band, as current Hellopenis frontman Andi Deris got his start with these fuckos back in the ’80s. So that’s where we’ll start.

PC69 sounds just like Helloween, only the exact opposite. If you greatly slowed down the latter and removed all semblance of scrotal content, you’d get PC69. This is ultimately ball-less “hard” rock that is sure to bore the more kvlt metalheads out there to the point of suicide with its relentlessly simplistic approach and song structures. Sure, a few hooks here and there are not entirely terrible, which helps this abortion of an album avoid being an unmitigated disaster, but the band just doesn’t offer anything with substance.

Many of the riffs remind me of the shittiest of shit that I used to bang out on a guitar when I was a kid. It’s all from the first day of class in Guitar Riff and Distortion Pedal 101. Tell me you didn’t “write” the opening riff and the chorus riff from “Right from Wrong” 900 times when you were 16. The whole package just reeks of juvenile garage rock and unfounded dreams of radio airplay. The band as a whole sounds to me like they’re just trying too damn hard to land a good hook that will get them noticed at the expense of an overall solid record. Well, fuck you guys.

The lyrics and vocals, brought to you by David Readman, an Englishman who sang for such bands like Nobodygivesafuck, are the bases for this album’s (and this band’s) undoing. Readman sounds very careless and emotionless in his delivery of the trite, silly lyrical lines of forced rhymes and rock clichés. If you don’t care about what you’re singing, Mr. Whateveryourfuckennameis, then I don’t care either.

On the bright side, the production is pretty fucken ace. It may be a boring pussy rock album, but it least it’s a boring pussy rock album that sounds good. The bottom line, though, is that Pink Cream 69’s day has come and gone. Their best days (if there ever was such a thing) are far, far behind them. This album simply feels like a half-assed, tired effort by a band who wishes they were still relevant. Death cannot come soon enough.

- Information
- Released: 2013
- Label: Frontiers
- Website: www.pinkcream69.com
- Band
- David Readman: vocals
- Alfred Koffler: guitars
- Uwe Reitenauer: guitars
- Dennis Ward: bass
- Chris Schmidt: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Land of Confusion
- 02. Wasted Years
- 03. Special
- 04. Find Your Soul
- 05. The Tide
- 06. Big Machine
- 07. Let the Thunder Roll
- 08. Right from Wrong
- 09. Passage of Time
- 10. I Came to Rock
- 11. King for one Day
- 12. Superman