### Hemina: As we know it

#### 06/01/11 || revenant

So I got sent Hemina’s debut EP on email with the following message “Once you give the EP a download and listen, we would really appreciate it if you could give us some feedback about your HEMINA experience, whether it be via e-mail, Facebook, MySpace, skywriters, pigeon messengers, or Chinese whispers.”. I’ll do better than that, you cunts, I put a review up on the best fucken site on the Internet for you. How’s that? Better than fucken pigeons I’d say.

At this point I should probably point out I’ve been drinking. Lots. I will edit this piece for typos afterward (post note when sober: I did indeed do this, I can’t have it looking like an IG review for fuck’s sake), but the essence of this review will be me sloshed/boozed/cunted/fucked up/whatever the fuck you wanna call it. One needs this shit to get through a week sometimes, and on an unrelated note: fuck the company I work for.

So what do we have here anyway? Hemina, a fucken prog metal band. Yeah, I can review that, I’ve listened to a Dream Theater CD before (once) and that makes me a fucken expert at prog metal. Let’s get this shit happening already.

So this EP starts with some ridiculous (post note when sober: I had a really hard time spelling ridiculous when drunk, I tried three or four times before leaving it as ridiculousous) lame arse fucken group singing bullshit before leading into track 2’s (“And now to find a friend”) synth keyboard solo. Yeah, a fucken synth keyboard solo, prog metal cheesy but this is dick cheese if ever I’ve heard it. When the main riff kicks in this shit isn’t half bad. Singer a bit like the Dream Theater singer, but less retarded and fits with the music better than that dick does. Track 2 is a fucken ten minute monster, breakdown in the middle has an ace guitar solo (not that these guys are virtuosos like those Dream Theater cunts, mind you) but another keyboard solo kind of spoils it. Lyrics are shitty though, all “be my friend and marry me” crap. Lame (post note when sober: looked up the lyrics and my drunken conclusion of lameness was correct: “Like a pigeon to the plague, My mind already made, Just a virgin boy so shy, Who fell at the sight of green eyes”. There’s a fair chance with poetry like that this band are all still virgins).

Next track is pretty soft and melodic, keyboards aplenty but for all the wrong reasons (post note when sober: I think I was making a pun here as the song is called “For all wrong reasons”) I can’t dislike this song. It ain’t half bad.

Next track we get heavy again and I really dig this track. Chorus is catchier than a catching mitt (post note when sober: yes, I know that was fucking lame, but I left it in for authenticity) and the middle has a fucking phenomenal guitar solo. Get your fucken air guitars out and play along you cunts, this is one of the best solos you’ll here all year (post note when sober: more than one solo, but yes they are quite excellent).

The final track is yet more dick cheese keyboard stuff, barely worth mentioning.

So there you have it, I’m not a prog fan but I see where these fucks are coming from and I have to say this is actually a pretty damn decent debut for Hemina and the Masters of the Universe. Not entirely my thing (too much of that damn keyboard), so I’ll let the prog metal fags (post note when sober: not sure if that is a typo and I meant to type fans) to check out for themselves, but from this drunk cunt these guys (and gal) get a…

- Information
- Released: 2010
- Label: Self-released
- Website: Hemina MySpace
- Band
- Douglas Skene: vocals, guitars
- Mitch Coull: guitars, vocals
- Jessica Martin: bass, vocals
- Phillip Eltakchi: keyboards, vocals
- Andrew Craig: drums

- Tracklist
- 01. Lonesome Angel
- 02. And Now to Find a Friend
- 03. For All Wrong Reasons
- 04. With What I See
- 05. The Hunt