### Krabathor: Unfortunately dead

#### 27/11/07 || Daemonomania

File this one under “unfortunately owned”, as in you made a big mistake buying it. I wish I could file it under torture ala Incapacity, but sadly this is not the case.

Ever spent some quality time on good ole eGay, bidding on death metal CD’s that are less than two dollars? Sure you have. Usually there are about 250 listings for the same albums, all for less than a pair of greenbacks. And surprise surprise, you win the bid, get the disc, and it immediately latches onto your balls and begins sucking. Not sucking in a good way, mind you, but sucking like the chest-huggers in Alien.

Now I know Krabathor has been around for-fuckin-ever, and they had Mr. Speckmann in the lineup for this one, and they’ve toured with everyone and your mother three times, but this is some half-assed shit. No excuses. Your history does not redeem you. Your band members’ pedigrees do not automatically make you rad. You must work harder to attain even mediocrity, Krabathor. And your name sounds like a rubber monster that lost to Godzilla.

Not all is wine coolers and sewage, however. I must admit that I sense a good band lies just under the surface of “Cumfortunately dead.” There’s an image of a sea serpent in there that I will eventually have tattooed on my leg. Not that they came up with the image, mind you, but it is a sweet one nonetheless. The death metal is done in a uniquely melodic and upbeat way, perhaps there are some Czech melodies or something tossed into the mix and it does produce interesting riffs. In fact, everyone’s competent on their instruments, except the lead vocalist who sounds like Pitor of Vader with laryngitis and herpes. He ruins the whole fucking disc. Shut up, fuckwad. Your Czech is in the mail. Ha ha ha. If you haven’t heard the joke about the Czech hunters and the killer polar bear, let me know. I’ll tell it to you.

The last point I must touch upon is the lyrics. Jesus H. Christmas on the Crossmass, Speckmann was in the band. He is American, right? Wouldn’t he try and fix things like:

Through the many centuries died a lot of people. All of them were different. Some had been genius and some had been mad. Every body had lived in a different time but on this same planet. Through their lives they earned a lot of energetic ideas and they put everything to the their minds. People died and their brains stopped working. Where are their souls? Where are their feelings? Where are their thoughts? It died with their bodies?

People died and their brains stopped working? Your brain stopped fucking working, and you are “unfortunately” very much alive.

3 out of 10.

- Information
- Released: 2000
- Label: System Shock
- Website: www.krabathor.tk
- Band
- Petr ‘Christopher’ Krystof Kristofferson: vocals, guitar
- Paul Speckmann: bass, vocals, lack of lyric editing
- Libor ‘Skull’ Lebanek : drums
- Irena Èernikova: keyboards, boogie boards

- Tracklist
- 01. They Are Unfortunately Dead
- 02. The Eagles You Can Have (what in the fuck are you talking about?)
- 03. Mirror of Your Steps
- 04. Different Fate
- 05. Surviving on Arrogance
- 06. To Be Unknown
- 07. Living on the Threat of One Finger (going up your ass)
- 08. The Evil Men Can Do
- 09. Death Through the Centuries